Applying a new design to my blog(s) has become quite a habit of mine, especially when I’m procrastinating or just trying to escape the world and people around me. It lets me focus on something, leaving no room in my psyche for external disruptions and everyday shit. I feel somehow digitally connected to the computer, becoming one with the whole cyberspace, with the display replacing my retinae and the keys replacing my mouth. All sci-fi like.
Anyhow, since my blog now has a more blog-like design and I know only few people read my stuff in English, I have decided to treat this blog as some sort of a repository, an archive of my mental trajectory over the course of my life. That in actuality takes a great deal of accepting myself as a mediocre human being, jotting down boring stuff on a powerful WordPress-based blog on a paid server, but that’s at the same time exactly what I now strive to be, a mediocre human being, since I’ve tried so long not to be one that I’m tired of trying now.
I’m finally letting myself go estranged from all the ridiculous compulsive thoughts that have haunted me my entire life. I guess what I’m trying to do now is to create personal space that was needed a long time ago. I’m trying to let go of my feelings of guilt for being an individual human being with their own ego and desires, something that I’ve long tried not to be though only to disappoint myself and others.
I feel better now that I’ve made the decision to move on, move away from the life full of compulsion and the feeling of guilt. This will be a series of baby steps, but a baby’s gotta take steps to walk on their own eventually.
If you’re reading this and you know I often quote Butler and say things like there’s no Subject before deeds, let me get back to you sometime later, ’cause I’m busy going through the mirror stage at the moment.